Testing Of Faith

James 1:3

"For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything."

When I made the decision whole heartedly to follow the will of God I knew that there would be several obstacles that would either separate me or draw me closer.

I have always been a person moved by what I feel and cling to what I see. This way of thinking has cost me tremendously in my life. I have realized that following God's will and seeking his purpose, trusting in him and abiding by faith is a road that I must choose every single day.

I am learning gradually to recognize negativity as what it is and choosing to stand against it.

When I got in my car yesterday I received a phone call telling me my Uncle had passed away. I felt a saddening, heart wrenching pull at my gut. When I realized that my father had received this news by word of mouth and not directly from his family I could immediately feel his pain. I quickly went from being saddened to lying to myself as if this were something that didn't bother me and I could feel myself preparing to hide these emotions.

I came home, wrote a little in my blog and then received another phone call. This call was a little more intense. My center had been closed down. As most of you know we just opened on Monday, new staff, new children and this was the last thing we needed. I could feel myself begin to question what was going on and then I again just figured I would throw it aside and act as if I were not affected.

At around 9:00 I began feeling anxious. I was sick to my stomach and didn't really know what was going on. I told myself I must have eaten something that upset my stomach and I went to bed.

This morning I woke up and read my email. It wasn't until that very moment that I began to realize a little bit of truth.

There will always be something. Whether it is death, circumstance, decisions, burden, etc. there will always be something used in your life that will either draw you closer or pull you away from God. God doesn't want us to pretend we don't feel or attempt to handle every situation as if it did not occur. In fact he wants us to use those moments to lean on Him and look to Him for comfort. He wants us to feel, he wants our honesty, but most of all he wants us to trust that He is greater than circumstance. I don't know what the reasons are for trials and tribulations but I do know that if it draws me closer to the Lord than I am still blessed. "walk THROUGH the valley" not around it or under it, beside it or above it, through it. It is God's grace and mercy that brings you out of that pit and it is Him who sustains you in your weakness.

I am so grateful that I am beginning to recognize the attacks of the enemy and I am even more grateful to have gained the recognition that Satan has NO power over me. "NO weapons formed against me shall prosper" and what an honor to be able to stand even in the midst of turmoil and cling to the Lord believing in Him and trusting that even when the storm is raging there is still peace.

A Moment Of Confusion

Confusion is one of those things that happens more often than not especially when you have made a decision to follow the Word of God.
I would like to share with you what has been going on the last few days.

I just recently began a new job and my time has been very limited. I am working 12 hour days and by the time I get home I am dragging. I have maintained my praise and worship time with God but it hasn't felt like enough. I said a prayer on my way to work and apologized for being so busy and not being able to devote every single moment to Him. Before I end every prayer my words are as follows "O that you would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory."
I do have to say that my employers have been gracious enough to not only consider but encourage all of us to be ourselves. They have welcomed my beliefs with open arms and are allowing me to implement God through prayer and music where my class is concerned. I have been blessed immensely by this opportunity.
I was approached on Sunday with a family who is Russian. There child speaks broken English, must maintain a diet only by Russian standards and his parents are Atheist.
As all of you know I am renewing my walk with God that I have missed out on most of my life. When I was confronted with this I was also reminded that if one parent said I had to take Christianity out of my class then that was the way it was.
I immediately felt a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I began praying and while I was doing so my boss returned and said "I need to know if we need to send this child to another class by 2:30 tomorrow afternoon."
Judgment was the very first thing I felt. How could they? I asked. How could you raise your child without the knowledge of Christ and then tell me I am not allowed to continue in my own beliefs? I was angry and then confused. I came home and called my brother and my sister in law and then spoke with my husband. I didn't really get the answer I was looking for until about 3:30 this afternoon. An hour after I was to reveal my answer to this little boy's family.

This is my answer:

What a blessing-what an honor it is to be given an opportunity to touch not only this little boys life but the life of his family and friends. What an enormous amount of trust God must have in me that he would place this little boys life in mine at a time that is crucial to both of us.
We spend so much time being angry and pointing fingers and yet we are no better. Because he spoke the words, " I am an atheist" I immediately judged him and his child. Although I am not an atheist I have not raised my child the way God has commanded us in his word and I am no better.
Who am I to stand in judgment? I am a child of God and you lead by example. I don't have to Bible beat anyone into believing the way I do, all I have to do is pray and trust that God will show me how to care for this little boy.
His family may be led and they may not but what an honor to know that for a brief moment in this child's life he was sent to someone who does know God and can show him how special and how loved he truly is. Everything happens for a reason and if you just trust in Him, he will give you the answer's you are looking for. He will enrich your life and he will bless other's through you if you just put yourself aside for one moment and see other's through God's eyes~maybe then you will truly get it~"O that you would bless me indeed and enlarge my territory!"

A Wise Woman By Definition

"Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." Matthew 12:34






~When a wise woman speaks, she gives reason for the hope that is within her.
When a wise woman speaks, she knows that timing is important.
When a wise woman speaks, she tells the truth.
When a wise woman speaks, she doesn't talk to much.
When a wise woman speaks, her words are gracious.~

I am working on this today. It is so overwhelming all of this. As precious and sweet this journey has become it is a very fragile relationship of honesty and truth.
I want to just stand on top of the highest mountain and say I AM ON MY WAY but the truth is I'm only beginning. I must be cautious and give glory to God in all things. Yes, I am inspired, yes I am so in love but this is an intimate time and sometimes just being still and quiet is the best way to speak. Sometimes it is best to just listen and not be heard.

Lord that I may glorify YOU, that I may be an example but only if it is in your will at that exact moment. Lord allow my change to be noticeable that my words may be few and your light will show thoroughly through me. May I be heard not by my words but my actions. May the people who read realize that this isn't me who is writing but you through me. That I remain humbled before your throne and never ever forget who you are in me.
"Let YOUR light so shine before men that they may see YOUR works and glorify our Father, which is in heaven!!"

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the mental, and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger against another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution[

~I want to share my journey with you~

Please know that I am not perfect. Every step I take is a new experience for me. My walk with God is very important and I am finally taking a stand, reaching out and choosing to change.
This is a very refreshing moment in my life and I want to embrace every ounce of love and acceptance that I feel at this very moment.
I have never felt God so strong in my life as I do at this very moment. I am finding out what being in love truly means as I venture out of the darkness of my life and into a new light.

~Today I want to share with you what this day entailed for me~

I spent all day just worshiping God-being under this blanket of praise and worship it has been the most intimate, uplifting and gratifying feeling. I feel his love in depth~I can feel his presence so strong in my soul.

I must be honest in saying that although I feel such passion I still feel the physical effects of my addictions. I have chosen freedom from these chains that have binded me for years. As strong as the physical effects have been-the passion in my soul and the yearning in my soul for change is so profound. Make no mistake this is very difficult.
Letting go allows room for freedom but it also forces you to deal with reality-a reality I have spent years trying to forget.

Forgiveness has always appeared to have come easy for me. I am finding that I said the words but my heart and my mind held on to that pain for dear life. This has crippled me. It has also taken me further away from God.
What I have noticed is that forgiving myself has been the hardest. I have buried myself in self afflicting notions because it felt better than the truth. The truth is I am a sinner. The truth is I am a liar, I am an addict, I am a number of things that bring shame to my heart! I feel an overwhelming need to truly repent before the throne of God and beg for mercy for choices that I so selfishly engaged in.
The best thing about this acknowledgment however is that I am FORGIVEN!! I am saved by the blood of the lamb. I am a new creation in Christ~Who I was yesterday is not who I am today; that is the greatest feeling in the world just to know that someone loves me so much that forgiveness is given not deserved! The wretched person that I have become over the years is being transformed and I am thankful beyond words!

"Create in me a CLEAN heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me" Psalm 51:10

"Therefore having been justified by FAITH, we have PEACE with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we STAND; and we exult in HOPE of the glory of God.
And not only this, but we also exult in our TRIBULATIONS, knowing that the tribulation brings about perseverance;
and perseverance, proven character and proven character hope;
and hope does NOT disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was GIVEN to US."
Romans 5:1-5



There is a song that I have clung to these past few days and I can't think of anything that could best describe my experiences and where I am at this very moment~ "Cry Out To Jesus"
The very first day I played this over and over and just wept before God. In an instant I could feel this burden in my chest lift. The anxiety I have fought for almost a century was gone. It was the most amazing and shocking feeling I have experienced yet.

I am so excited as my journey continues~sometimes letting go is truly the only thing you have to do. God is transforming me every day into something beautiful and something pure. I cannot wait to see what God truly has in store for my life.